Some also know depression as the silent killer. And for good reasons.

Little did I know I was going to find this out firsthand.

Early on in life, before the age of 16, everything was perfect. I had loving parents and, in general, a loving family. I had plenty of friends. Likewise, I excelled in sports and did well in school.

Things were easy back then. The only responsibility I had was making sure I got passing grades. And what if I didn’t listen in school and got detention as a result? Well, he’s still a young kid who’s figuring out life. Did I get into a fight? Well, he’s still a young boy who doesn’t always think before he acts.

Unfortunately, my seemingly perfect world didn’t last.

My experience with depression

Around the age of 16, my life started changing rapidly and drastically.

I stopped feeling happy and optimistic. At first, I thought it was just a phase everyone my age went through and that it would pass as quickly as it came. But it didn’t. I had a difficult time adjusting to my ever-changing environment and handling the pressure I believed was being put on me.

I didn’t know what I wanted for my future. My friends and schoolmates had already figured out what they were going to study when they went to college the next year. I, however, did not. I had no direction in life. Not only that, but I was a loose cannon, an unguided projectile, an immature and wild kid who was busy partying and drinking.

Not only that, but I started getting into frequent fights, even though I’m not a violent person. But the anxiety, negative emotions, feelings of helplessness, and an overall sense of being lost in this world led to physical confrontations with others. The fights reflected my poor mental state.

Then, I turned 18. My parents told me it was time to start taking responsibility for my choices and actions because this time, “it was for real.”

In college, I decided to pursue the field of nutrition. Not because I had a strong desire to become a dietician, but rather because people I knew from my hometown were going this route, and I figured it might be a good fit since I was interested in exercise/health.

Newsflash: It wasn’t.

I quit school two months in. Turns out that choosing what course to study based on friends rather than what you want in life is not the smartest idea. (Who would’ve thought, right?)

The following year, I gave it another try. This time, I studied occupational performance. Long story short, I managed to earn a college degree despite my ongoing struggle with depression.

After I graduated and started working as an occupational therapist in a physical rehabilitation center, things got better. I was motivated to help people relearn lost skills and improve their quality of life.

But in time, my thoughts turned dark again, becoming negative and nihilistic. I slept less, and my sleep quality was poor. I would randomly wake up at night and cry because I felt so terrible. Furthermore, I withdrew from friends and family. I even discovered a way to measure the severity of my depression; when my mood worsened, I craved alcohol. I figured that drinking was a way to self-medicate.

I continued to plow away at work, but an excessive sense of responsibility, perfectionism, and anxiety was eating away at my mental health. I was head deep into my depression.

One day, I woke up and found I couldn’t get out of bed. I had nothing left in the tank. I realized I needed to take some time off work to deal with my issues and get my life in order again.

At first, I didn’t leave the bedroom. There were successive days I didn’t get up to eat or shower. I was in constant mental pain. It was hell on earth.

One evening, I managed to get out of bed and sat down to eat dinner with my parents. They were silent and looked tired and sad. Until this moment, my depressive haze prevented me from seeing how my illness impacted my family. I decided: that’s it, no more. It was my guilt that fueled the decision to fully contend with my mental illness.

Up until now, I was only living for myself, not participating in and valuing what my parents, family, and others did for me. So, something needed to change. I needed to turn my life around. And with my life, my attitude.

I started seeing a psychologist and taking antidepressants. I took a sincere look at myself, including undesirable traits I’d unconsciously been afraid to face. I set goals for myself. And when I had zero desire to get out of bed, I pushed through. I made sure I did something useful every day.

After several months of therapy and medication, life became manageable. I talked more, was less irritable, and as a result, my life and that of those around me improved. I even looked forward to the future at times!

How depression changed me

Although the psychological difficulties were tough on me, and there were times I didn’t know if I was going to make it, it brought about some positive changes.

I became more mature and resilient; I learned to put things in perspective and take the necessary accountability. But the two most significant aspects that changed were my so-called “intellectual arrogance” and the pessimistic way I viewed life.

Before, I considered myself a fairly intelligent fellow. The problem with this was that I overvalued brains, viewing other aspects of life as inferior.

Moreover, my attitude was overwhelmingly cynical and negative. What I failed to realize is that focus shapes experience. And if you only pay attention to the negative, you miss the beauty life has to offer. Now, I am actively searching for good and beautiful events happening around me.

What helped me get my depression under control

In addition to medication and treatment, I found the following to be helpful:

• Seeking help: We can’t do everything on our own, no matter how much we’d like to.
  

There are times when you will need help to cope with your depression. In addition to professional assistance, seek support from family and trusted friends. You may find that feeling heard and understood is what carries you through the darker days.

• Setting goals: I had no desire to do anything in life when I was severely depressed. I had absolutely no goals.

I would advise setting smaller goals you think you would mind doing the least (minimal effort) and/or objectives that you found important in the past (before your mental problems took over).

• Taking responsibility: Although depression can be debilitating, practice taking responsibility for the things in life under your control.

For me, it was easy to blame others for everything that went wrong, believing the world to be wretched and unfair, but it didn’t do me any good.

• Exercising: Mental health and physical health go together, since they’re deeply connected.

Exercise releases endorphins, the “feel-good” brain chemicals related to pleasure. Try a hobby that requires some level of physical exertion if you don’t enjoy exercise.

Working out and moving around can take your mind off the stressful things in life as an additional benefit!

My depression warning signs

For me, there are clear signs that indicate my depression is coming back or worsening.

Keep in mind that these warning signs vary from individual to individual. What might be an indication for me may not be for you.

• My desire to do anything decreases: Hobbies I enjoy, like weightlifting and running, suddenly mean very little to me.

But it’s not just about interests. Simple daily activities such as getting out of bed and showering suddenly become difficult because I have no motivation or energy to do so.

• My thoughts get darker and more negative: It becomes increasingly tough to see the positive things in life or the positive in people.

I lean toward becoming cynical and pessimistic.

• • Overthinking: I tend to overthink when things go bad, which is basically what depression is for me: feeling bad.
  • Anxiety: Negative thoughts and overthinking lead to increased levels of anxiety.
    My nervousness about the little things in life may seem trivial to others who don’t have a mental illness, but a simple act such as calling or visiting a friend can freak me out and lead to rumination.
  • Ruminating: Intrusive thoughts run through my head, and there’s no “off” switch.
  • Irritability: I become increasingly irritable; I’m in a foul mood all the time, and the smallest things piss me off.
  • Increased desire to self-medicate: I experience a strong desire to drink.
    Alcohol impacts the brain by triggering a release of dopamine. This rush of dopamine creates feelings of pleasure and happiness.
  • Decreased sleep quality: My overall sleep quality gets worse, partly due to constant overthinking and ruminating.
    

• Anxiety and stress are also big factors. And when I’m able to fall asleep, I wake up multiple times throughout the night.

Conclusion

Depression is a terrible disease that may go unnoticed if the signs aren’t recognized or known.

A person might attempt to maintain a positive front, possibly because they don’t want to complain or because they’re afraid of being misunderstood.

There are multiple symptoms of someone who is depressed. My symptoms went hand-in-hand, playing off one another and creating a vicious circle of negative thoughts that sucked the energy and lust for life from me.

Nevertheless, these signs vary from person to person. Learning to identify the symptoms will help you recognize depression in yourself and others. Furthermore, increased awareness enhances empathy and enables you to support someone else with depression much better.

I give the following advice to anyone with depression:

• Don’t give up.
• Seek professional help.
• Search for support from your family and close friends.
• Set goals and work hard to achieve them.
• Take responsibility for the things you can control.

Is there a cure for depression? No. Do I think I will ever be completely depression-free? Maybe. What I do know for sure is that my illness is manageable and livable now.

I look forward to what the future has in store for me. Which is a lot more than I was anticipating at first.